my first hand note without any addiction

its 15th may 2009,
it has been 6 days ....and i left hostel.
Feeling gloomy ,feelingclumsy ....bla,bla,bla...........melacholies are a part of life. We all end up one to have a new beginning, a new essence of life.
let me ask myself ?..........how am I feeling. It makes me laugh when i rewind my four years of hostel life. Fun outs, late night parties, drinking at Third eye(with all MSI) and Blue Moon, fagging at roof-top, fagging on Insti-roof (me,hirak,bhargab,kuli,swapup......all LSI), all those ragging stuffs,those fun filled moments. Yes, am a creator of my own destiny. I was today brushing thorough my old diary, where people said "i can strike the chord of balance to tread this life".........well when i ask me the same ????? .........Insane , i find no answer.

Is it a tremendous outbrust of my moral justification, or a mere portrait of a common civic dweller?...I donno know? ....I was moving through the pages of my diary , lot of memories, lot of advices, lot of added words, lunatic mesmerisation is running through my veins.

when I sit alone and try to justify my days in hostel,............ I find me blank, I find me void.what these four years have taught me ............some self-respect , "addiction", FRIENDSHIP,principles of life,.............................??????
sometimes I feel , I was always considered and bestowed with the word "I". I thought of my addiction, my pleasure, my egoes, my esteem...........which all led to a vulger insanity. Do i really mean this......Do i really have a justification to puff "xylene" sitting on Princi's chair..........I find no answer.

sometimes i like to kill "MEDI", kill all memories of medi, but my heart stops me from doing it. Medi is linked with the bondages of a million smile and tears of some greatest souls of human race. I have always kept my addiction above everything ,
tasted 'TABS' in search of love,
tasted 'DEN' in return of boredom,
tasted 'HELL' in return of life.

Hot drops of water is oozing through my eyes, feels like tasting it, feels like tasting my inner broadcasts of my single unicast brain. i do miss my "college Days", and its very hard to rewind it again.
Friends call me a great motivator, a saddist glued with virtues of human nature........i will always stand by your side, be it a rainy day with dust shattered all over the area, I will be there with my old black umbrella with rain drops pouring through the holes of my own BLACK umbrella